Waiting to Exhale

I drove home in tears November 16, 2005. I knew I could not call anyone because I would cry uncontrollably and would not make it home. The first thing I did when I got home was to Google search as many things as I could about BC. I Googled and cried until RJ called. He immediately knew something was wrong, that my routine post-op checkup apparently did not go as planned.

I just remember him holding me in bed and we cryed for hours. The only time we got up was to eat and we ate tator tots from Sonics because that is my no guilt comfort food when I am feeling down. I do not know how we managed to get through that night but we did.

Forty-two sixth graders needed me the next morning. Little did I know that I needed those forty-two sixth graders to get me through this. Going to work the next day was the best thing I could have done. I would have obsessed over my new diagnoses and would have cried each and every second. Even though I changed as of November 16, 2005 my sixth graders did not. Eleven and twelve year olds can drive you mad but they also have ways of touching your heart.

Nick was my teaching partner and partner in crime. I did not want to tell him that day but knew that I needed him to help me get through the day. I told him that morning in the staff lounge and remembering bursting into tears. Nick drove me mad at times because of his silliness and forgetfulness but I will never forget the strength and compassion he showed me from that day forth.

I immediately respected my oncologist. Not only was she recommended by my surgeon, she visited with RJ and I on her day off. She answered all our questions and showed great patience.

These words were bounced around a great deal: surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, lumpectomy, mastectomy, reconstruction, pathology report &*()%#$^*())*#$@%*! RJ and I needed Cancer 101. We headed to the book store and loaded up on books.

My family is in Albuquerque, NM. My family at Pease Elementary, the school where I taught for seven years, were my supporters. I still remember Michelle Fleniken and her concerned sleuthing. I wasn't returning her calls and I was leaving work before 3:30, very uncharacteristic for me. She found me in the staff lounge the next morning and just knew that something was wrong. There were several of us teachers in that lounge at that point and I just blurted out that I was diagnosed with BC. They were all in shock and then consummed by tears. Over half of us were late to pick up our students that morning.

I had scans I needed to have. Shots and needles are easy for me to stomach now. Having nuclear dyes and barium concoctions are getting easier too. These scans would let us know if they found tumors in other parts of my body and bones. I had these tests done that morning before stepping on a plane to go home to Albuquerque.

My two older sisters thought it would be best to fly me home to tell my parents in person over Thanksgiving break. I really needed that. I spent four solid days with my little nephew Ryan and enjoyed every second of it. I was the super, cool Aunt from Texas that he had not seen since that summer. I thought my parents handled it better than I thought and that was good for me. Telling my friends back home was even tougher than telling my family. I was young and their age. I was the "healthy tree hugger" in the group. More tears and more shock.

Back in Austin and and my scans all came back negative! This was my first break since I was introduced to cancer! It was now time to make a decision about my surgery. RJ and I weighed each option: A lumpectomy or a mastectomy? Chemotherapy or chemotherapy and radiation? Reconstruction? Immediate or delayed reconstruction? What type of reconstruction? Saline, silicone, or my own muscles? Lymph nodes? Sentinal biopsy? I was just waiting to exhale after all of this.

The Beginning

My former teaching partner and friend, Nick Hall, always told me to keep a journal while going through my treatments to inspire others. I passed up on that notion quickly as my cancer whirlwind-life kept me five steps behind my "regular" life schedule or whatever that means. I'm about a year and a half out of chemo but read Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips and it inspired me to finally start my own personal blog. So thanks to Nick and Kris I have my Conquering Cancer Blog!

I was diagnosed with BC November 16, 2005. I will never forget that day because it shouldn't have happened. I found my lump one night in early July as I positioned myself to sleep and rested my right hand on my right breast. Why haven't I felt this lump earlier? It felt huge to me. Panic stricken me but there wasn't anything I could do until the next morning. I remember sitting in my doctor's office and her dismissing the possibility of cancer because I was too young. Either way, I had an appointment with the mammographers the following week.

Mammograms stinks for those of us with small breasts. I guess it's the same for those with large ones. Nothing was conclusive from my mammo since my breasts are so dense. My ultrasound didn't show up anything either. I remember going home that day feeling relieved but not quite whole.

I had my follow-up with my doctor in September of 2005. Why didn't I fire her by then? Easy, I didn't want it to be cancerous. Again, she said it was fine but RJ, my boyfriend, insisted that I get further testing done. He did it in part because he loves me and in part because I continued to obsess about my lump every evening. My doctor said she could refer me to a surgeon to have a needle biopsy. I told her I would like that to be on the safe side.

I immediately liked my surgeon. She actually listened to me and treated me like a human being. She ran an ultrasound on me and my lump pretty much doubled in size! Benign or not, she recommended it coming out because of the quick growth. She even performed a needle biopsy on me that day to ease my mind since my surgical biopsy wasn't scheduled for another two weeks. The needle biopsy also came back negative.

RJ was there when I was wheeled in for my surgical biopsy and was there when I was wheeled out. I recuperated fairly well and even went back to work on Monday having had the surgery on Friday. Besides getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I never had surgery before. Little did I know but all that was going to quickly change.

November 16th was the day I left work early to make my follow-up appointment with my surgeon. She was to look at the surgical site and check for infections. I remember sitting in my awful gown waiting from her. I remember her saying, "I'm sorry I don't have good news. It was cancerous...." The rest was a blur. Welcome to the world of cancer.