Waiting to Exhale

I drove home in tears November 16, 2005. I knew I could not call anyone because I would cry uncontrollably and would not make it home. The first thing I did when I got home was to Google search as many things as I could about BC. I Googled and cried until RJ called. He immediately knew something was wrong, that my routine post-op checkup apparently did not go as planned.

I just remember him holding me in bed and we cryed for hours. The only time we got up was to eat and we ate tator tots from Sonics because that is my no guilt comfort food when I am feeling down. I do not know how we managed to get through that night but we did.

Forty-two sixth graders needed me the next morning. Little did I know that I needed those forty-two sixth graders to get me through this. Going to work the next day was the best thing I could have done. I would have obsessed over my new diagnoses and would have cried each and every second. Even though I changed as of November 16, 2005 my sixth graders did not. Eleven and twelve year olds can drive you mad but they also have ways of touching your heart.

Nick was my teaching partner and partner in crime. I did not want to tell him that day but knew that I needed him to help me get through the day. I told him that morning in the staff lounge and remembering bursting into tears. Nick drove me mad at times because of his silliness and forgetfulness but I will never forget the strength and compassion he showed me from that day forth.

I immediately respected my oncologist. Not only was she recommended by my surgeon, she visited with RJ and I on her day off. She answered all our questions and showed great patience.

These words were bounced around a great deal: surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, lumpectomy, mastectomy, reconstruction, pathology report &*()%#$^*())*#$@%*! RJ and I needed Cancer 101. We headed to the book store and loaded up on books.

My family is in Albuquerque, NM. My family at Pease Elementary, the school where I taught for seven years, were my supporters. I still remember Michelle Fleniken and her concerned sleuthing. I wasn't returning her calls and I was leaving work before 3:30, very uncharacteristic for me. She found me in the staff lounge the next morning and just knew that something was wrong. There were several of us teachers in that lounge at that point and I just blurted out that I was diagnosed with BC. They were all in shock and then consummed by tears. Over half of us were late to pick up our students that morning.

I had scans I needed to have. Shots and needles are easy for me to stomach now. Having nuclear dyes and barium concoctions are getting easier too. These scans would let us know if they found tumors in other parts of my body and bones. I had these tests done that morning before stepping on a plane to go home to Albuquerque.

My two older sisters thought it would be best to fly me home to tell my parents in person over Thanksgiving break. I really needed that. I spent four solid days with my little nephew Ryan and enjoyed every second of it. I was the super, cool Aunt from Texas that he had not seen since that summer. I thought my parents handled it better than I thought and that was good for me. Telling my friends back home was even tougher than telling my family. I was young and their age. I was the "healthy tree hugger" in the group. More tears and more shock.

Back in Austin and and my scans all came back negative! This was my first break since I was introduced to cancer! It was now time to make a decision about my surgery. RJ and I weighed each option: A lumpectomy or a mastectomy? Chemotherapy or chemotherapy and radiation? Reconstruction? Immediate or delayed reconstruction? What type of reconstruction? Saline, silicone, or my own muscles? Lymph nodes? Sentinal biopsy? I was just waiting to exhale after all of this.