Cancer never goes away

Back in January a test showed a cyst within my right ovary. The cyst was almost the same size as my ovary. Not always a reliable test, my CA125 test came back normal. Normal...what an interesting word. What is normal now? The term "The New Normal" is always thrown around. I guess I'm finally starting to understand that term.

Of course, the first thing that popped into my mind was that it was ovarian cancer. Why not? I am BRCA 1 possible variant. BRCA 1 people usually have a 40 to 60% chance of getting ovarian cancer.

The waiting game. Cysts are fairly common. It only become scary if it grows too large or if it is malignant. They tend to come and go with a woman's cycle. I had my follow up test this week. It appears that it has gotten smaller...in some respect. What does this leave me? I'm uncertain. I'm guessing more waiting.

Cancer never really goes away. My hair is growing back. I can pull up the sides and I no longer have to flat iron my hair unless I choose to do so. My weight is become more manageable. With a great deal of hard work at the gym and watchful eating, I have lost about 12 of the 20 pounds I put on from the alteration of my body due to chemotherapy and Tamoxifen. My sense of urgency to give up my coffee cold turkey is slipping. I've allowed myself more and more coffee, especially decaf. All this and my cancer diagnoses back in November of 2005 is very much a part of my life.

To this day, I am still waiting for confirmation on my bilateral mastectomy. Hopefully everything will work out and my body will look somewhat "normal again." Either way, there will be physical scars.

Of course, my emotional scars are still around. I read a fellow cancer survivor's blog today. She's stage IV and she's younger than I am. They gave her one to two years to live. No, life isn't fair. She's one of the sweetest and upbeat person that I have ever met. I guess I sometimes forget how bad her prognosis really is because of her warrior spirit.

My mood matches our horrid cold front today but it wasn't until I read her blog that I cried for her and all the cancer survivors out there. I typically write when I'm sad. I'm not always sad; I promise. I guess I need to keep working that that "new normal." Maybe it's time to see a therapist. Maybe I just need a vacation.