Normal 35 year old?

I said good bye to another young survivor last week.  Its the first death that I didn't want to face.  Of course I'm devastated that she's gone but I know she is now at peace.  I always say that it's those that are left behind that suffers.  It's the family, loved ones and friends that suffers.  Somehow I didn't want to deal with it.  I wanted to be a normal 35 year old.

For me to be normal would be to go to a job that does not deal with death and dying.  Teaching had its tough days but I never had to deal with a student that passed.  I could be at a job that I worked with computers all day.  I could be at a job that I worked and managed stuff rather than human beings.  I would go to happy hour with friends and not feel guilty if I had more than a glass of wine.  I would eat friedfoods and grains and not feel so bad about it.  I would not have to attend more funerals and memorials than I do weddings and baby showers.  Each person that passed has a special place in my heart but each death also takes away a little bit more of my innocence.  

Maybe this signals that I am just a normal 35 year old because it was the first time I wasn't strong all the time.  I am human.  I work to take care of others.  I have an amazingly rewarding job.  I find balance with my job and life 90% of the time.  I guess it just means that I am a fairly normal 35 year old.