Being Scared

For many years now I no longer dread the scans so much but rather from the prep, radiation, iodine, high deductibles, etc.  Some how I always felt confident that my surgeon and oncologist did their job and that I went aggressive.  I even tell myself if it did come back I would hopefully find it early again.

My yearly routine doctor's order has been on my refrigerator since my last visit with Dr. H back in March. I'm not sure if I wrote why we chose to go with the ultrasound again or not but it's because I didn't want the gadolinium with steroid prep for the MRI and I did not want the mammogram since it didn't work for me the first time and I rather not expose myself to that amount of radiation from a CT scan.  We agreed that I can do one more year of the ultrasound but then back to the MRI or CT for 2014. Anyway, somehow I finally scheduled my bilateral ultrasound for June 6, 2013.  

I went in today expecting to get into work on time.  The tech started with my right cancer breast and seem to take more time near my arm pit/lymph node area.  I told her that there may be scar tissue from the sentile biopsy.    Anyway, what seemed like 10 minutes later, she finally moved on to the other breast.  I tried to be very aware of not confusing time on the two or magnifying it since I was actually watching for her to spend less time on the left breast.  I did not look at a clock but it was pretty obvious she did not spend as much time on the left breast.  So the entire time I was thinking that the cancer was back and in my lymph nodes.  I thought how I would have to start all over with chemo, possibly more surgery, possibly radiation this time and then on and on and on.  My life is happy and good and I'm starting to think about my future as a whole and then I haven't visited Greece yet and that might be my next big trip and it kept going on and on and on...just like this one long run on sentence.  It made me scared inside and I wanted to hibernate into the safety of my shell.

Thankfully the doctor was there to read it but even that felt like it took forever!  All the run ons kept circulating around in my head.  The tech came in and told me to keep up the good work and keep doing what I've been doing.  It relieved me but just part of me.  I still want to get my hands on the write up.  I don't want to go crazy and ask for further testing either.  You're probably thinking why didn't I ask the tech more questions.  By law they cannot tell me what they think they see, especially if it is cancerous since they are not doctors.  Trust me, I tried many years ago.  I'll wait to hear back from Dr. H's office.

So tonight I cried.  I realized it was the first time in a long time that I was scared again.  This November marks my 8 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  My life has changed in so many ways, and so many of the changes have been for the better.  However I'm not naive about the reality of cancer.  I always say that it's not prejudice to anyone age, ethnicity or health.  It's a good reminder to live each day.  I'm going to wait for the write up and to just to remain calm and to carry on.