Pausing.. forever?

Pausing can be a good thing, right?  Right, it can make us slow down and think things through.  Well this is certainly the case for me.  The pausing I'm talking about it perimenopause.

This is the definition of perimenopause according to Mayo Clinic:

Perimenopause means "around menopause" and refers to the time period during which a woman's body makes its natural transition toward permanent infertility (menopause). Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition.

Women start perimenopause at different ages. You may notice signs of progression toward menopause, such as menstrual irregularity, sometime in your 40s. But some women notice changes as early as their mid-30s.

The level of your estrogen — the main female hormone — rises and falls unevenly during perimenopause. Your menstrual cycles may lengthen or shorten, and you may begin having menstrual cycles in which your ovaries don't release an egg (ovulate). You may also experience menopause-like symptoms, such as hot flashes, sleep problems and vaginal dryness. Treatments are available to help ease these symptoms.

Once you've gone through 12 consecutive months without a menstrual period, you've officially reached menopause, and the perimenopause period is over.

So...you're probably wondering why I'm blogging about this since I'm JUST 37.  I started this blog when I was much younger so I guess the word just isn't really justified?

About this time last year I had my FSH and AMH levels checked.  These tests are used to see how active my ovaries are and to see about my egg reserves.  When I checked 12 months ago I was holding steady for someone my age.  My number was just a tad lower, most likely from chemo treatment.  Fast forward to present day and I found out my test results have changed drastically!  It shows that I'm...gulp...in perimenopause!  Perimenopause!?!?

This means my chance of natural conception will be much more challenging AND that I'm heading towards menopause.  This would explain the trouble with my sleep, feeling emotional at random times beyond when I'm supposed to, feeling as if my joints are creaky and always feeling hungry beyond when I'm supposed to feel super hungry hence dealing with my weight.  I just found this out so I'm still processing all this.

For a lack of better word this sucks.   I obviously know I'm fortunate and blessed in SO many ways but I know it's also okay to acknowledge my disappointment and it's another reminder of how my cancer treatment, mainly cancer, has continued to interfere with being a "normal" 37 year old.  We'll never know if it was from treatment but I'm highly suspicious that it killed some of my mature and immature eggs so my overall egg reserve dropped, especially while I was on cytoxan.  (I think that was the one I read that tends to destroy the immature eggs too.)  Will need to process and then go from there.